Today is a thoughtful day for me. One year ago, at 4:30am, a good friend drove me to Southern Hills Hospital for the craniotomy to remove part of a meningioma (brain tumor) which was pressing on my left optical nerve. It was truly a life-changing event for me and I am grateful. Before the surgery I did alot of soul searching as my surgeon prepared for a few possibities during the procedure: I may die on the operating table; I may suffer stroke during the surgery; or I may wake up blind. As the nursing staff prepped me that morning, I felt a peace I had never felt before. A true peace that I always remember. I was truly living in the moment and had accepted the fact that life is impermanent. They put me under around 7am and I woke up that evening retaining that peace. So many things have changed since then and I am truly grateful for all of them.
I am grateful to wake up each day. I am grateful for the vision I have left. I am grateful that I can function pretty close to where I was before physically. I am grateful for the life lessons I learned that allowed me to let go of people and things that held me down, were abusive, and/or allowed me to live in a cluster of stress and pain. I am grateful that I forgave every person, including myself, which I shared moments of stress and pain. I am grateful that I learned that those are just moments in time. Impermanent. Any argument or stress-filled events were just moments in which I engaged also, so I shared in the pain I allowed to take hold of me. I learned to truly forgive those moments, those people, myself. Everyone has been forgiven. All but one, who remains inhumane to this day. But all else and everyone else has been forgiven, thanked, and blessed. Even those who left my life because of my tumor and inpending surgery. Even the one who said to me "You'll probably die anyways, I don't need that." Forgiven. And I'm still alive. And I'm still thriving.
This year has marked tremendous growth in my compassion for myself, which has been a challenge my whole life. And I have returned to a religion that found me over 20 years ago. I moved on from it so long ago and has resurfaced recently. This had caught me by surprise but I have learned to move with the flow of life and to stop being critical of updates and just move forward with them. And that has been a blessing. You don't always understand why people and/or things enter and exit your life, but I do believe there is a reason why.
I am still recovering from my surgery and radiation treatments. I have nerve pain in my face every day. All day long. It hurts to smile, but I still smile. Alot. My vision is labored but I am happy when I wake up and can see what I see. It's been a humbling experience. But I've never been shy about being humbled. I learn from it and I evolve from it. And I see other people I know go through health trials of there own, I feel a deeper connection to them and it reminds me that life if inconsistent. The inconsistency is something that could and for me, should be embraced because at least I am alive. The radiation team and neurosurgical team were amazing and I am grateful - even for the $11,000 loan I took out for it. It was wonderful to have that option so that I didn't have to bargain basement price my medical treatment. I know that many do not have that option. I even saved some of that money for another procedure - a tattoo of Kwan Yin by my favorite local artist, Christian Buckingham. He really did a great job and I love it.
Life is beautifully sweet and sometimes there are moments of stress. But those are just moments. There are moments of great happiness and beauty nestled in there too. I adopted my Princess Sweet Pea and I never thought I'd be such a cat person but she is a wonderful addition to my family. She's a cuddly lap cat with a very good attitude. She's given me a lot of peace and moments of relaxation. She doesn't particularly like it when I sing to her but then again no one does. But she's been so good to have around.
I got back to dancing in January and have been teaching and performing and creating dance. I have expanded my reportoire this year with some new classes I have tried like aerial silks; body percussion and stepping; ITS which I have earned my Level 1 Certification in this past year and I am working towards my Level 2 cert; and more. I do try to not go crazy with too much dance these days. I am still honoring my body as it has been through so much this year. I am still healing. Dance has been such a blessing. As long as it's fun, respectful and free from stress and competition, I will continue to dance. There are elements of dance that has changed this year. I gave up trying to be referee for when others wan to stir the drama pot without having an open heart, open mind, and open honest communication. So I retired my referee uniform. If I am needed by anyone who would be open to some assitance, I am here. But just to listen to half truths and deception in an effort to get me to take your side, ummmm....nope. I'm done. As for event organizing, I am so happy to host Wendy and Sandi for one last BFD this December. As for dance, I am looking forward to my next performance with TABU coming soon, as we are entering our 10th year together! So we have more cause for celebration in our dance this year. I have counted my blessings and am so grateful for the wonderful friendships that have been cultivated and the beauty of each moment. I have learned so much this past year and have learned the value of moments, gratitude, and life.
