First Anniversary of My Rebirthday

Today is a thoughtful day for me. One year ago, at 4:30am, a good friend drove me to Southern Hills Hospital for the craniotomy to remove part of a meningioma (brain tumor) which was pressing on my left optical nerve. It was truly a life-changing event for me and I am grateful. Before the surgery I did alot of soul searching as my surgeon prepared for a few possibities during the procedure: I may die on the operating table; I may suffer stroke during the surgery; or I may wake up blind. As the nursing staff prepped me that morning, I felt a peace I had never felt before. A true peace that I always remember. I was truly living in the moment and had accepted the fact that life is impermanent. They put me under around 7am and I woke up that evening retaining that peace. So many things have changed since then and I am truly grateful for all of them.

I am grateful to wake up each day. I am grateful for the vision I have left. I am grateful that I can function pretty close to where I was before physically. I am grateful for the life lessons I learned that allowed me to let go of people and things that held me down, were abusive, and/or allowed me to live in a cluster of stress and pain. I am grateful that I forgave every person, including myself, which I shared moments of stress and pain. I am grateful that I learned that those are just moments in time. Impermanent. Any argument or stress-filled events were just moments in which I engaged also, so I shared in the pain I allowed to take hold of me. I learned to truly forgive those moments, those people, myself. Everyone has been forgiven. All but one, who remains inhumane to this day. But all else and everyone else has been forgiven, thanked, and blessed. Even those who left my life because of my tumor and inpending surgery. Even the one who said to me "You'll probably die anyways, I don't need that." Forgiven. And I'm still alive. And I'm still thriving.

This year has marked tremendous growth in my compassion for myself, which has been a challenge my whole life. And I have returned to a religion that found me over 20 years ago. I moved on from it so long ago and has resurfaced recently. This had caught me by surprise but I have learned to move with the flow of life and to stop being critical of updates and just move forward with them. And that has been a blessing. You don't always understand why people and/or things enter and exit your life, but I do believe there is a reason why.

I am still recovering from my surgery and radiation treatments. I have nerve pain in my face every day. All day long. It hurts to smile, but I still smile. Alot. My vision is labored but I am happy when I wake up and can see what I see. It's been a humbling experience. But I've never been shy about being humbled. I learn from it and I evolve from it. And I see other people I know go through health trials of there own, I feel a deeper connection to them and it reminds me that life if inconsistent. The inconsistency is something that could and for me, should be embraced because at least I am alive. The radiation team and neurosurgical team were amazing and I am grateful - even for the $11,000 loan I took out for it. It was wonderful to have that option so that I didn't have to bargain basement price my medical treatment. I know that many do not have that option. I even saved some of that money for another procedure - a tattoo of Kwan Yin by my favorite local artist, Christian Buckingham. He really did a great job and I love it.

Life is beautifully sweet and sometimes there are moments of stress. But those are just moments. There are moments of great happiness and beauty nestled in there too. I adopted my Princess Sweet Pea and I never thought I'd be such a cat person but she is a wonderful addition to my family. She's a cuddly lap cat with a very good attitude. She's given me a lot of peace and moments of relaxation. She doesn't particularly like it when I sing to her but then again no one does. But she's been so good to have around.

I got back to dancing in January and have been teaching and performing and creating dance. I have expanded my reportoire this year with some new classes I have tried like aerial silks; body percussion and stepping; ITS which I have earned my Level 1 Certification in this past year and I am working towards my Level 2 cert; and more. I do try to not go crazy with too much dance these days. I am still honoring my body as it has been through so much this year. I am still healing. Dance has been such a blessing. As long as it's fun, respectful and free from stress and competition, I will continue to dance. There are elements of dance that has changed this year. I gave up trying to be referee for when others wan to stir the drama pot without having an open heart, open mind, and open honest communication. So I retired my referee uniform. If I am needed by anyone who would be open to some assitance, I am here. But just to listen to half truths and deception in an effort to get me to take your side, ummmm....nope. I'm done. As for event organizing, I am so happy to host Wendy and Sandi for one last BFD this December. As for dance, I am looking forward to my next performance with TABU coming soon, as we are entering our 10th year together! So we have more cause for celebration in our dance this year. I have counted my blessings and am so grateful for the wonderful friendships that have been cultivated and the beauty of each moment. I have learned so much this past year and have learned the value of moments, gratitude, and life.

My Latest Obsession

I am in love with using malas for meditations, mantras, and recitations. I have been doing alot of daily meditations for the past year but the malas have taken me to another level which I felt I needed. The basic idea is that much like rosaries, you would use the malas (or Buddhist/Tibetan prayer beads as they are also called) and say a mantra for each bead. There are 108 beads on the full mala and 27 on the wrist mala usually with a bigger bead (guru bead) which is your stopping point to flip it and keep the mantras going. A full round is considered a buhm and the idea is to recite 10 full buhms per session (108 x 10). I haven't reached that level just yet, but it's what I am working towards.

I have several recitations I use for different purposes. You do not have to be a Buddhist or do it in the Buddhist way in order to feel the power of this practice. Reciting the "So Hum" or the "Om Mani Padme Hum" is wonderful but there are other options for the non-Buddhist practice too. For example, I have some friends that are dealing with serious health issues. For them I say "Health be to (insert name)"for each bead while I hold their smiling face in my mind and the connection I feel for them in my heart. The spoken words with the visual image and the emotional energy/connectedness is very powerful to me. It focuses my heart on my intention, my mind on the one intention, and connects my feelings to these in a beautiful way. And it's a practice/ritual which discplines me for the greater good. Over time it has resonated with me and I believe it helps me focus on the beauty of life without the negative interferring.

Some people connect with certain gems and stones on their mala. I like to choose mine by weight and feel. I have been wearing mine on my wrist to remind me of my focus each day. Most advise against wearing them as it being either sacrareligious or adding undue wear and tear on your beads and string. It is true that they can break. But when I hear the beads jingle it reminds me of how special the moments in life are and reminds me of my intentions with my prayers/recitations. So I will wear one a day to maintain my focus. So if you are walking by my office when I have my door shut, now you know what you are hearing and when you see my bracelets, you know what they are for. And my new obsession is timely for me as I am getting ready to mark my one year anniversary of my neurosurgery. This year has been about healing but not just my body. The highs and lows of recovering from a major health issue can take it's toll in many ways. Meditations and malas have been such wonderful parts of my journey and I plan to keep them going. And you know with the holidays around the corner....umm..hint. **********************"Om Amideva Hrih"*********************

Short Playlist for ATS® Class

Here is some of the music we use in our ATS® class. The last song is great for zill practice. ">

Pontypool Does Change Everything

Pontypool is one of my favorite movies, mainly due the deep themes and meaning embedded in the story.  While this is not a review of the book or the movie, it is my way of exercising the demons in my mind over this story and the deep implications in my own life that I have noticed particularly over the past year.  It is a way for me to write my thoughts about how profoundly the book and movie have changed my view of language, words, and truth forever.  Don't read any further if you have not read Pontypool Changes Everything by Tony Burgess or watched the movie Pontypool (2009) and plan to do so.  Here is the trailer, if you are interested in checking it out.  I highly recommend both of them. The book is much different than the movie.  Even though Tony Burgess worked on both, the ideas from the book were more fully developed in the movie.  I recommend watching the movie first, then if you are obsessed with the story like I was, read the book.

*************STOP HERE. SPOILER ALERTS*************************

On the surface it seems like a "zombie" movie or just another horror story.  But in reality it is about language and our ability (or inability) to work through the problems that our language can present. It is about confusion in language.  Hearing the world.  Listening to what we are saying and to what is being said. And understanding it.  As we, in the movie, are "crude radio signals. Seeking." But not always connecting in a meaningful way.  The tagline "Shut Up or Die" is not just about being quiet but about being mindful of the language and words being used out loud.  The message can be confusing to you and cause you to have an unexpected, violent reaction because you can be infected and confused by words.  You can get hung up on one word, or many, and babble them.  Repeat them with not clear understanding of what the word means.  In the movie the doctor explains that it's a suicide of sorts, but the infected person needs a victim to suicide with, so they seek one.  If they find a victim they try to chew through their mouth because of the confusion in the words.  If they do not find a victim, their insides explode through their mouths where the words originated.  Hence the English language has been contaminated with a virus.  The zombie-like beings babbling the confusion are referred to as "Conversationalists."  Interesting reference.

I completely believe this, of course, to a different extent that the movie depicts, but language IS contaminated and many do not know this and those who are aware do not always seem prepared to fight the virus.  Language is so delicate.  Sometimes it's useful but so often people do not know how to put their thoughts and/or questions into uncontaminated words that make sense (to them or to their intended target).

In the movie the government breaks into the radio station's broadcast with a message in French when when translated states:  "For your safety, please avoid contact with close family members and restrain from the following:  all terms of endearment, such as honey or sweetheart, baby-talk with young children, and rhetorical discourse.  For greater safety, please avoid the English language.  Please do not translate this message."

"All terms of endearment, such as honey sweetheart, baby-talk with young children, and rhetorical discourse."  ALL terms of endearment. So this has been something that I have been dealing with for awhile, but it amplified that past July.  Infected language.  Infected terms of endearment. Some people in my circle would tell me the sweet sweet nothings but not because they meant them or, as based in Pontypool, actually understood them, but used them because they had an agenda.  A self-focused agenda. And contaminated language within all terms of endearment.  They were seeking.  But not for the return of sweet sweet nothings but for more contaminated language.  This virus was circulating in my world without my absolute knowledge at the time.  I grew up with the ideals that language is to be the truth.  Pure. Always.  Much like Grant Mazzy's ideals. But it is very challenging to find and to cure.  Now I am aware of the "language apocalypse" within my sphere.  For safety's sake.  And I know how to shake it off.

At one point in the movie, Grant becomes infected and was able to shake it off.  He discovered a cure of sorts.  And then his station manager, who was not following the safety instructions became infected.  Grant was able to help her shake it off by confusing the infected word:  Kill is kiss.  "Kill is kiss.  Kill is kiss.  Kill is kiss.  Ok.  I feel better now."

"Kill the word that's killing you."  This is a sort of motto or anthem with me as of late.  "Kill the word that's killing you."  Pontypool represents the plague of miscommunication in our language, in our conversations, in our relationships. Pontypool Changes Everything.  It does.  It changed everything for me.  When communication is infected, it does more harm than good.  It can hurt.  It can forever damage relationships.  And the perception of relationships.  But it can be shaken off or cured if you possess the appropriate critical thinking skills and tenacity.  And if you apply these things to the language.

"So what does it mean?  Well...it means something's going to happen.  Something big.  But then, something's always about to happen."  Pontypool changes everything.

As Bruce McDonald stated in an interview, "the virus could effect something as abstract as the English language, it can leap into reality itself.  Change the fabric of how reality is perceived." So how is reality perceived?
Pontypool.
P ntypo l.
ntypo.
typo.

So now where am I going with Johnny Deadeyes?  "To a new place that isn't even there yet."

Thoughts about Life and Remembrance

Impermanence is a reality of life.  When I first started to study Buddhism, this was the first lesson I was taught.  Everything changes.  Within this first lesson I read a chapter about facing our own mortality.  We are born to die.  It is what is in the middle, what happens while we are on this Earth that lives on, particularly with others.

As people in our lives are confronted with their own mortality, it is important to feel some empathy.  Someday we will face the similar reality.   So this past year, as I faced my own serious health issues, it surprised me to find some people who called themselves friends completely abandon any sense of empathy or compassion.  Instead some have left completely and others have rocked the boat of ethics and truth that I had to abandon them.  Either way, life in its current state is much more happy and positive once the posers in the circle took their leave of me.  And I say posers because in each instance, I have spoken directly to the person and listened to their opinions.  I found the very few who jumped off were never actually friends. So it was a good good thing for all of it. Why pretend?  Why be around those who pretend?

This quote holds true and is a very wonderful thing.

Which brings me to my next thought - how we live each day and how we interact with others is the mark we will leave behind when we leave this world.  It will be how we are remembered. There have been quite a few significant times in my life where I took stock of who I was during that time and determined what, if anything, needed to change.  I find those moments of looking at yourself from the outside very important. It has helped me shape my attitudes, my opinions, my speech, and how I interacted with others, as well as myself.  Taking time to analyze your inner being can seem scary but it is beautiful.  Last year before surgery I analyzed how I my life had been and if I was satisfied, in case I did not survive.  It was uplifting, raw, and honest.  And it allowed me to feel a great sense of acceptance as I walked into the hospital.

Afterwards, I have analyzed the questions, "how do I want to live now, and how do I want to be remembered?"  My goals have been living a more positive life where I am not bogged down by the details of work, life, school, teaching, directing, promoting, etc.  I want to have more time with friends enjoying coffee outside in the breeze, movies in the theater, and conversations that are meaningful.  I want to keep positive energy around me so I don't get caught up in the negativity that life can amplify.  I want to spend time in daily meditation so I can keep my focus.  I want to work on my health and continue to heal all that has plagued in me in one way or another.  I want to be remembered for my work ethic, my honesty, my attention to detail, my sense of humor and whimsy, and for my contributions to the art form I love and have worked so hard on developing over the last 20 years.  I want to be remembered for conquering and living with serious medical issue with humor, optimism, courage, and hope.

These may not seem like important questions, but I am interested in hearing the answers from anyone who would like to share them:  How do you want to live?  How do you want to be remembered?

Thankful for the Dance

Dance is a beautiful expression of emotions in so many ways and I am truly grateful for that.  There have been times where my patience and love of the dance has been tested through various challenges in life (emotional, physical, mental) and with some of the competitiveness and unnecessary drama in the dance community.  However I have always bounced back once I find the peace within whatever ails me to keep dancing.  Dancing heals.  Dancing mends.  Dancing challenges my resolve in the most beautiful ways.

This year marks 20 years for me being a belly dancer.  I have been fortunate to take classes and workshops from so many gifted and wonderful dance teachers in so many fun styles to learn.  I have been fortunate to be a part of several belly dance and experimental dance troupes which has connected me so generously with the team mentality and the group thought.  I have been fortunate to have performed at so many wonderful events, including stage show and theatrical productions, across the Western United States (and one in Canada) that I am forever changed by the memories of those amazing productions.

I give thanks for those opportunities and the ones that are on the horizon.  I give many thanks to the teachers who have given me so much of their time and knowledge. I give many thanks to the dancers who have shared their love for the dance with me, whether it's together onstage or together in an event or together in a supportive community.  And I also give thanks to those who maybe weren't so supportive because I learned life lessons from them as well and I cherish the growth.

Dance can be rewarding especially with hard work, dedication, and love. So many things are possible through dance.  So marking my 20 year anniversary and a new chapter I have just started in my dance career, I give thanks to everyone who helped shape my views and drive my passion, whether you knew it or not.  And don't be surprised if I send you a thank you note or call you to say it to you.

The Thrown Towel

"It's not even 9am and I'm about a verb away from throwing in the towel. Exhausted with being taken advantage of and getting no credit from the 'know-it-alls' who don't respect what you have given them or taught them. For free. 'Friendship' is riding the super thin rails these days. Feeling like it's about time to pack it up. This is my Sunday morning PSA."  This was my post on Facebook last Sunday, March 27, 2016.  Exactly one week later and things have changed in the most positive way for me.  I learned very valuable lessons that will stay with me and I am grateful for finally learning this.

The person that this was primarily about contacted me within a few moments of me posting it.  She knew her ego-inflated post with no credit towards me and my work that I been handing her on a plate was a terrible thing to do. I needed some time to breath but knew I would be seeing her in a few moments and I always appreciate the face to face talks abit more.  She knew this was about her because this has been the battle for almost 10 years.  Yes, almost 10 years.  Some people do not like to accept the fact that they do not know everything.  Some want to take credit for the things others do - all the time.  Posers.  Liars.  Cheats.  Call them what you want.  

I'm a dumbass and I consistently give people who take advantage of me opportunities to fuck me over again, and again, and again. This is my fault, I am to blame for allowing people to use and abuse me and take credit for things I gave them. I admit it and own it. I have not called people out by name for this but I do talk to them directly every single time and give them an chance (or ten chances) to "make it up to me" as this gal said she'd do repeatedly.  I gave her time and she did nothing, as usual.  She accepted responsibility to my face and said sorry but no one else will hear of the game she has been playing all these years from her.  Now I am braced from some verbal backlash from her.  She has spent alot of time in the past trash talking me and others for whom she has done wrong.  I guess it's easier than accepting responsibility, learning, and growing from it.  And since she won't do that, I will. 

The good news is that I am throwing in the towel on her, not on the art form I love.  And I woke up feeling pretty good.  Mainly because one of the main sources of humilation and drama is now gone from my life. I know how much I tried to work with her through her integrity issues.  Another reason is because I will not keep making this mistake any further.  While I do feel some people can change over time, the proof will need to be there before I accept them back into my trust and good graces.  Little infractions are not an issue, no one is perfect.  For me it has always been about how the issue was resolved, far more than just the issues itself. But this rudeness is not an acceptable ways of being someone's "friend."  And I asked her what she would tell me to do if I told her someone else did this to me.  Her answer was to not perform with them, but still be friends.  Well how can you be friends with someone who is so dishonest about you?  Made no sense to me.  It's not just about dance.

Anyways, the towel is over there, somewhere. And I am feeling refreshed with no concerns for my consistent attempts to be nice to the mean, to give chances to the unwilling to change, and to try to work with people through their problems even when it hurts me emotionally, mentally, and professionally.  I slept well last night.  I feel well today.  I am going to focus my attention on my health and upcoming radiation treatments instead of someone else's drama and need for acceptance through negative modes. So this week I threw in the towel on politics and on a toxic relationship. Lesson learned and for that I am grateful.

auf Wiedersehen

Today was the end of an era for me.  I used to love politics:  voting, watching the debates live, going to rallies on both sides of the aisle, discussing the platforms of the various candidates, all of it.  Today I resign.  The Clark County Democrats, as well as the Hillary Clinton supports have officially beaten my love of politics out of me.

As I has posted previously the negative tactics of the Clinton side has not been remotely interesting this season.  It has gone from childish and underhanded to unethical, ugly, immoral, and down right crazy.  It has been disgusting to watch.  From their yelling and screaming at the caucus to their weird Trumphish comments last night:  if Sanders gets the nomination they will vote for Trump, and all the ugliness in between.  Talking to other Sanders supporters I have heard the most outrageous things about how the Clinton supporters have treated them.   Talking directly to the Clinton supporters has confirmed alot of it.  I have heard very few actually state positions, instead they want to yell, argue, and give you no rational thoughts other than she has a vagina and Sanders is not a democrat.  Those were the most rationale thoughts I've heard this season from many of them in person here in Clark County.

I went to the Clark County Democratic Convention today, the rep for Sanders gave an uplifting and inspiring speech about his accomplishments, ambitions, and specifics of his platform.  The rep for Clinton had a few accomplishments for her - her meaning the rep herself - one or two nice things to say about Clinton and a bunch of negative comments about Sanders (such as he has no platform, doesn't show up for congressional votes, and some negative remarks about him and North Korea).  I brought some food to eat and had a Clinton support bark at me that I was "breaking the rules."  I didn't see any rules about food but I guess I was supposed to purchase their crap food instead of trying to eat healthy.  *shrug* Why did she care enough to be so rude to me about it? Was it the Sanders stickers on my shirt and the Delegate badge?  The gal who was sitting next to me got up at one point to use the restroom.  I was saving her seat with my bag when I hear several ladies behind me bitch and make rude comments about me saving the seat (without asking me) but who did I think I was?  How dare I save a "goddamn seat", blah blah.  I looked behind me and yup, Clinton buttons.  So much negativity.  I used to think we were all the a very similar side.  I was corrected very abruptly about that by several Clinton supporters today.  We are "not" on the same side (wave finger)!

The biggest shot was a video that was posted on twitter  that I saw during the convention today showing the head of the credentials committee being thrown out of her post.  She is a Sanders supporter and apparently the Clinton supporters on the Executive Committee hatched the plan on Wednesday and carried it out today.  No public announcement as to why or then who was checking credentials of the more than 600 unelected alternatives registering today or the elected delegates and elected alternates registering today.  Here is the video: https://youtu.be/JSGSMbD-EVk

Not to mention the information that I, as a delegate, was given by the CC Dems consistently conflicted with information I received by my campaign office.  I suppose I should have known where their support lied.  An announcement was made that they had all the votes and they were counting them.  I was told that because I voted last night my vote was already registered with them. But I was "not allowed to leave."  No one would say why I had to stay if I already voted.  I did not have to check in this morning, so technically no one actually knew I was there today.  Why did I have to stay?  *insert crickets buzzing*  I have so many other things to deal with these days, you know like my radiation treatments, enjoying some relaxation time, etc.  I don't need the stress and the bullshit and the unethical madness and the negativity.  I was doing my duty as delegate, I thought, although I have a feeling they didn't count last nights votes because I no longer trust them.  I will vote in the election.  But I will no longer consort with such incompetent ugliness.  I withdrew my petition to attend the State Convention. This has been a week of cleaning house from liars, cheats, posers, and negativity.  I think the politics are the last of it for now.  As many of you know, I am a sucker for giving people who have treated me poorly second, third, fourth, etc tries. So someday I may give them another opportunity to crush my dreams of a fair democratic society.


And although I am grateful to hear the final outcome of delegates after all the nastiness:
Sanders 55.4% (2964)
Clinton 44.6% (2386)

The dirty games on the way I have encountered is not fun or worth it to me right now. Feeling the Bern should be more fun and interesting. So for now, CC Dems and Clinton supporters, let me just sing this last song to you ---- ahem,  *cue The Sound of Music Soundtrack* "So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good bye...."

EDIT:  Here is a link to an article that lays out some of the issues that I am referencing here for your viewing pleasure: http://heavy.com/news/2016/04/bernie-sanders-wins-nevada-flips-clark-county-convention-las-vegas-delegates-arrested-clinton-videos/

Open Communication vs Defensive Justification

There are quite a few controversial topics floating around our community, and frankly, in life in general.  Growing up, my favorite uncle used to converse with me about political and religious issues that would stir up some heated debates publicly.  Some of my earliest memories as a child were sitting by his pool in the early mornings, watching the sun come up, and hearing his opinions on issues that at the time I had no real concept of their weight on society.  He demonstrated how to read about this issues, listen to all sides, and contemplate everything as evenly as possible before making an opinion.  He also imparted on me that it was perfectly acceptable for me to change my opinion should new information be presented or if I took a little longer to consider why I made my first opinions.  He passed away when I was 18 but his life lessons live strong inside of me.

Over the years I have faced some pretty stressful situations.  My first reaction is to open the lines of communication between me and whomever the conflict, stress, or challenge is with, whether it be a politician, religious leader, family, friends, colleagues, etc.  I listen, I speak, I contemplate.  I often ask questions about controversial issues or things that people don't seem to discuss much.  Usually it's so I can develop a more comprehensive opinion, sometimes it is because I actually have no concrete opinion and I'd like one. Discussion helps.

What I don't understand is why so many people do not answer the questions, instead they get defensive and want to argue a justification as to why they don't do this or don't think like that.  But that was not how the questions were poised and not what the questioning was about.  It baffles me. I was recently told that I am an "outlier."  So is it that open communication is not widespread?   Or is defensive justification the more comfortable mode of communication these days?  Or it is just the that topics - even when they don't apply to the individual - bring up a need to argue instead of try to come up with solutions or answers?   Or perhaps I should just stick to the Disney-happily-ever-after questions?  Food for thought. 

Performers Attending Shows

Continuing on the issue of belly dance events that was started online and I replied to in my previous post:
"Questions Regarding the Differences Between "Professional" and "Student-Level" Performers"
Now we move to the larger issue of lack of support for shows by performers.

There have been quite a few comments and questions over the last year or so from different regions of the U.S. about performers not attending shows unless they are performing in them.  This is oddly fascinating to me.  Where is the love of the art form?  And the respect for the community as a whole?   Or is belly dance a narcissistic dance form? Don't the performers want to share their art with other performers? What drives some performers to organize date nights or nights out to a bar with their dance "sisters" rather than to watch others in their community perform that same evening at the same time as the impromptu organized outing?   And how would it feel to those performers to see these public postings of organized outings (created after the event was posted) with other dancers during their performance?  Would they feel less supported, less like a community of artists, or does the idea of support within the dance community (regional or global) mean anything to them as a artists? Is it better to save the $10, $20, $30, etc it would cost to watch others in (and outside) your community express themselves in the dance you enjoy?  Is this art form all about the ego?  Does narcissistic motives matter more than support for the creative drives within others? Or are there other reasons this is epidemic in the larger community of belly dancers?

Based on some small research I have done, I have found that:

• Some dancers do not like to attend events that offer performances in styles that are not their own.  It's beneath them.  
• Some dancers do not like the promoter, so unless they are "personally invited" to perform (and get paid for it) they will not attend their shows.  
• Some dancers do not want to spend the time to create a new choreography for a show so they will not request a spot to perform and do not want to spend the money to watch others who did take the time to create and rehearse choreography for it.   
• Some dancers stated that they could see any of the performers listed in any of the shows I asked them about anytime they wanted to (apparently even the celebrity out of towners are at their viewing beck and call).
• Some dancers will only perform at certain venues.  Several stated they do not like to perform in a dance studio.  It's beneath them. 
• Some dancers only wanted to perform in shows with the words "Pro" or "Professional" listed in the title (regardless of their dance status as a student/hobbyist). 
• At least one was "afraid" to perform in certain venues unless there was an agreement that certain people in the community she did not get along with were not allowed in.  
• Finally some dancers do not want to attend a show they need to pay to watch because they feel the promoter is making huge amounts of money off it and that bothers them.

On a very personal and professional level, I was fortunate enough to host an instructor and performer who is world renowned and very much loved by the larger community.  While the workshops brought in a modest number of dancers, the show did not.  I was horrified and embarrassed for how it made our community look.  As a promoter, instructor, director, and performer, I often pay attention to what is going on in the community. I admit that I often count heads at all the events I attend (which are many) to get a feel for how many other promoters, instructors, directors, and performers actually attend events, particularly if they are not performing in them. It helps with my research and understanding of the community. My embarrassment and utter sorrow was because many dancers, even those in the workshops, did not want to take the time or spend the $10 to support the show.  Her show.  Her beautiful and technically amazing performance.  We were super fortunate for her to come out as she had suffered a recent, personal tragedy and could have canceled for understandable reasons.  But dance was what kept her going. Dance is what she loved and gave love through it and could receive the love back if others would have the love to send back.  As performers we all know that we can see who is in the audience when we walk onstage, as we mingle, we see the faces of love and support, of compassion and interest. We can also witness the absence of this.

The next morning I had asked a few of the dancers that I knew pretty well why they were not able to attend the show, the answers ranged from "I got free tickets to a concert" to "I didn't feel like it" to "I'll catch it next time."  But they all expressed how much they loved her and how happy they were that she was here and hoped I'd host her again.  But they did not support her performance.  Since then I have been pondering the community and the dance style for answers and suggestions on how we can elevate the art and support each other.  So this is important to me on many levels.

I offer an opportunity to send me your questions, comments, and feedback on this subject as it seems to be epidemic in the larger belly dance community.  I would love to try to find a way to make shows appealing to the audience, the performers, and the promoters so we do not continue to lose remarkable performers and fabulous shows and so we can elevate the art form with a mutual love and support for all involved.

Questions Regarding the Differences Between "Professional" and "Student-Level" Performers

Within the world of belly dance, I am an event producer, dance instructor, and troupe director.  These roles over the years have opened my eyes to many things.  Questions have been popping up over the last year or so from the community (locally and beyond) about the integrity of our dance events.  I've been pondering the many issues about this as well.  But instead of trying to tackle it all in one blog post, I think a few will be best since the issues are diverse but yet all feed into the same issues.

Today's question is about the differences between the "professional" bellydancer or belly dance troupe and the "student-level" belly dancer/troupe.  Questions about shows which have too many "students-level" performers that may not seem worth the $10, $20 or $30 admission have sparked these questions.  

First of all, who decides if a dancer or a troupe is "professional" and what is the criteria they use?  It is based on technique alone?  And if so, who measures the technique needed to call the dancer or troupe "professional?" Does it include having the relevant credentials such as years of in-person professional training, professional photos, a CV, business license, insurance, etc?  What about their handling of events?  If they only show up to perform and then leave, are they acting respectfully and/or professionally?  What about being on time with their music, intros, contracts, call time, etc?  What if they are punctual to events, have professional photos but can't hold a rhythm or execute the moves appropriately, are they professional or student-level? 

If a dancer gets a paid gig, no matter how much, are they then a "professional" or if they are a teacher are they then a professional?  As most of us in the industry are aware, there are dancers who take a 4 week belly dance session and then start teaching.  Unlike the professional ballet dancers who spend years in classes before they don a tutu and pointe shoes, belly dance is viewed much differently. I am not sure why, I suppose that's another blog. 

So if a promoter is trying to hire dancers, are they the main source of who is a professional?  Or if you are a dancer or troupe director, how do you market yourself as professional? Or is it solely based on the audience's impression of their dance and if they are willing to pay to watch them perform? And can the label of professional being removed based on behavior, lack of technique, etc?  Any thoughts or comments, feel free to post or send to me.  Thanks.

Making a List, Checking It Twice

Let me get this out of the way now:  I am not a Trump supporter.  I will not vote for him, even if Hillary Clinton is running against him.  I thought about it for a minute.  However his tactics which are provoking violence, racial tension, and sexism cannot be dismissed by me or explained away. I have heard his comments on the matter over and over again and I am done with any consideration of him due to these issues.

What has been of most concern for me recently is watching and hearing others take his stance, particularly with racial issues and violence.  I have always been a fan of hearing both sides of any story and talking directly to the people involved if I know them or doing considerable research  of what happened and why regardless of the issue.

Anyone remember the LV Ren Faire about 5 years or so ago? A dancer was accused of physically assaulting the, then, boyfriend of another dancer.  Everyone took sides without talking to either party.  Just by hearsay and rumor.  I, and a troupe mate of mine, actually spent a couple of hours talking with them, and of course, we were criticised for the due process but we felt it was best to hear from everyone before making a decision that may hurt either side.  Recently I have been posting about both sides of the issues at the Trump rallies lately.  I think it's a fair and balanced approach, which I am always in favor of, and it demonstrates that the people involved on both sides have their reasons.  I do not think it's fair to just say all of Trump supporters are jerks without looking at the other side's supporters, remember my posts about the Nevada Democratic Caucas and getting screamed at and drowned out by the Clinton supporters?  Not wanting to walk to my car alone, like other Sanders supporters????  Hmmmm????

Most people who know me know that if I speak out of turn or say or do something that bothers them, I am an open door.  Please come and tell me.  I, as well as many others, have stuck my foot in my mouth now and again or forgot to do something in a particular way, etc.  If I am not told about the infraction, I cannot learn and grow from my mistake.  I also cannot take responsibility and sincerely apologize for it.  We cannot have an open-minded conversation about our relationship or things that could effect it without an open discussion.  And many of you that have talked to me about these sorts of things know that I am pretty rationale, approachable, and observant about these sorts of discussions.  I have never shied away from uncomfortable conversations and have approached them with empathy. and sincerity.

So THE LIST.  Here it is:  Naughty or Nice?  Hmmm,  more like Rational or Irrational; Trumphet or Non-Trumphet.  I have low tolerance for the close-minded, the narrow-minded, and the quick to judge without hearing the facts or having an intelligent conversation about it particularly when dealing with the racially insensitive issues, sexism, and the provocation of violence.  Those people, in my mind,  are Trumphets.  They don't want to take responsibility for their narrow mindedness and they just want to point their finger at someone else without cause. And life is too short to just let someone fling that around me without an open dialogue.   And how would they feel if they were on the receiving end? But the Trumphets are not always supporters of Trump. They, in recent situations, are supporters of Sanders or Clinton, but use the same tactics as Trump.  Quick to blame others, quick to call "bullshit" about things that may not make Trump supporters look so bad all the time, short tempered, irrational, and inconsistent in their views.

Open-minded, open-hearted, empathetic conversations will always win.  Even if BOTH sides decide to agree to disagree.  They have at least communicated effectively and have gained a mutual understanding of their differences.  I understand that this election season has many on edge.  It is seeming to bring out the ugly side to people I never thought had it in them.  It is divisive which saddens me.  I understand if for one moment you are caught up in the anger.  It happens to all of us.  But hopefully it can be shaken off.  But I have little room in my life these days for the consistent Trumpheting and the anger that ensues.  I wish the Trumphets well and hope that someday compassion and understanding will develop but that is the side of the list I am just not that into. And the list does not mean you will be getting coal or gold for Christmas.  It just means I am not going to pay any attention to the Trumphets like I will to the Non-Trumphets.

Questions About Elevating the Art Form

The term "belly dance" has been taken to mean many things to the public.  As artists and instructors, many have tried to change the public's perception that our dance form as an offshoot of something more sexual or provocative or easy to master without needing any technical dance skills.  However, even within the belly dance community there have been questions about how we can elevate our dance form to a higher level, where professionalism, commitment, and technical skills are key.  I have had quite a few discussions with professional dancers and students about this topic over the last couple of years and continue to listen for information, perceptions and ideas about how this can be done or if it should be done.

Is the question of elevating our art form important or shall we just dance and enjoy it regardless of the public and/or dance community's view of how it is presented and/or taught?

If yes, then how do we elevate the dance form? What elements are influential?  And are those elements different if you are a performer or a teacher?

For example, for performers is it only about the costuming, music, and technical skills?  Or does the language you use while at the venue make a difference? If you are having a bad night, can you curse and bitch or does that bring down the art form or just you as an artist?  Does showing up to venues late matter to the art form or just you as a performer?  How about turning in your contracts and music on time?

If you are a teacher, do you have to keep your opinions to yourself about controversial topics such as politics or social issues?  Or are these segragated by the belly dance discipline you teach?  For example, as an Oriental teacher, should I censor myself more than a Fusion dance teacher?  And does the censorship only apply to the classroom and venues but outside those places I am free to be who I am?

How does social media play into the elevation of the art? Do you need to remain silent on threads that are demeaning, rude, or controversial?  Does making posts on your own page about social or political issues that may challenge other people's opinions effect the art form we represent as performers and/or instructors?  How are potential students and/or opportunities to get hired for a gig impacted by our Twitter feeds, Instragram photos, and Facebook posts? Is it better to fake super happiness about every little thing on your social media posts, even though in real life often don't feel so super happy and the people that know you know the over-the-top happy posts are a lie?

These are important and interesting questions to me and I appreciate any opinions on these.

Encouraging Dance Students to Explore Different Styles and Teachers

I have been very happy to have taken from a large variety of dance instructors and dance styles over the last 20 years of my dance journey.   There have been quite a few instructors that I have really enjoyed their work and only a few that did not go so well.  The variety of styles range from Egyptian and Turkish bellydance, Persian, Khaleegy, Odissi, Bharatanatyam, American Tribal Style, Improvisational Tribal Style, Flamenco, West African Dance, Jazz, Hip Hop, the list goes on.  The variety of dance classes I have participated in has really cultivated my love for dance, my artistic expression and my teaching style.  It has been fulfilling, challenging, and beautiful.  This is why I encourage my students and troupe members to take other dance forms and from other instructors.

I would love to think this is common, but over the years I have witnessed this not being standard practice. I have had one of my own troupe members take great issue when I suggested another instructor in town while I was gearing down for a break before the surgery I had on my brain tumor (explanation on this below).  I have also heard from other students who stated that their belly dance teachers refused to allow them to take any workshops from out of town instructors or classes from local teachers.  They would face humilating reprocussions, I was told by several.  They were even discouraged from attending local events unless it was mandated by their teacher. I have spend alot of time reflecting about this.

Why will I continue to encourage students to explore options in dance?

1. As in one of my previous blog post , I do not teach in order to make money. So if a student or troupe mate finds a different style or teacher that is more convenient or more in line of what they are looking for, that is a good thing.  It is about them, not me.  I have said before that I may not be the right teacher for everyone and this may not be the right style. No harm, no foul.  Dance should be a beautiful addition not a stressful event.

2. Different styles will add to the current style they are studying. For example, Flamenco helped me so much with my arm work and posture for American Tribal Style.  Rajasthani helped me with my spinning technique. Jazz and hip hop added transitional moves to my fusion dance style, etc.

3. Choreography has flowed much more smoothly since I have a large base of movements and styles to choose from. Taking new classes in different styles may also assist my students whether they are working on solo or group choreography.

How have I been able to assist a student with finding other instructors and styles?

1. I take classes and workshops from other instructors in other styles. It gives me good information based on my own experience.

2. I network with other instructors.  I often speak with other instructors and ask them questions about their training and classes.  Some get very upset with me for this, but how can I successfully recommend another teacher if they are unwilling to share information with me and why would I take their classes/workshops if they are so secretive about their training and current style.   For example, I had asked an instructor what style do the teach because the advertising was vague.  They said, you now, the "real"tribal.  Ok, but what does that mean exactly, everyone else's is fake? Or is "real" the name of the instructor you learned from? I spoke another teacher who advertised that she taught "tribal fusion" but could not explain to me what tribal was or what she was fusing it with.  This sort of information is very useful when looking for an instructor in a particular style, in my opinion.  Hopefully networking with other instructors will lead to a productive exchange of information that could be useful to the community.

3. I have also checked on a few references that some teachers list on their page or verbally state as their main teachers or mentors. While many have been backed up, I have found some inconsistent information being relayed.  It is embarrassing to ask a highly ranked professional about so-and-so listing them as their main instructor and getting the reply, "Who the fuck is that?"  I always make sure that if I list someone as a mentor than they actually know me and can vouch for me.  And I generally do not list a "teacher" or "mentor" unless they do know me and can articulate my training with them to others.  And if I have taken less than than 10 workshops with out of town instructors, I generally don't list them in my instructors section at all. I may list them as having "taken a worshop with" or "a few workshops with."  That is my philosophy.  I never want anyone to hear the dreaded "Who the fuck is that?" or get the blank stare I've seen when they ask about someone I have credited with my dance technique.

4. Attendance at shows to see the dance style of the instructor in person has been useful too. Being able to witness and support the artistry of others is a fun and truly beautiful thing.

5. Checking out webpages and videos, if no other options are available, has been a useful tool as well.  You can usually find out, at least some, information online.

What helps me recommend another teacher if the above has not occurred?

1.  If I am in a show with them or hosting a show they are dancing in, it helps if they are professional with the promoter and other dancers. Specifically they are on time to the event, they are nice backstage and supportive of other dancers and promoter.  I have seen some rough and tumble arguments and rude behavior backstage that has been very influential in my ability to recommend another instructor.  On the flip side, I have met some amazingly lovely dancers/instructors backstage that I can talk up and recommend with sincerity.

2. They have not tried to poach students or troupe members from me or other instructors/directors that I know.  This is what prompted my troupe mate to get irritated with me for recommending that other teacher when I was ill. I recommended someone who was known to be a poacher and she was very unhappy about that.  And I get it.  The goal of teaching dance is at it's most beautiful when it is treated as art and not a business or a presidential campaign. However, looking at this through an artistic lens and thinking solely about my student's growth, I felt since I would be in recovery for a few months, it was not fair to recommend another local instructor, even if they had not been nice to me in the past and had tried the unethical practices of poaching.  I learned my lesson on this one through my troupe mates anger.

3.  Finally I am always honest with the student.  I have stated at times that I do not have anyone specific to recommend  based on my own experience but I always encourage them to give a new style or instructor a try on their own, if they are interested.

While I have some general guidelines on how I recommend teachers, I will still continue to do so whenever I can.  I will still explain to my students about other dance styles and music and instructors, locally and out of state, which can help them grow as an artist.  In some ways, I am saddened that this is not standard practice, but I don't mind standing out in this regard.  I love dance in all it's forms and I wish to help others feel the love too. If my students do not want to take another style or from another teacher, that is totally their choice.  Again it's about them, not me.  But I do like to be supportive and provide options when they want them. Feel free to leave your opinions and/or advice on how you handle this issue as a student and/or a dance teacher.

The NV Republican Caucus

So after the fiasco of the NV Democratic Caucus, I decided to attend the GOP Caucus a few days later as an observer.  I was granted approval and was surprised at how different the process and the vibe was. I attended the same caucus location but witnessed a completely different event.

THE LINES:
Similar to the Democratic Caucus, they had super long lines outside the school that wrapped around the building and out to the street. But the lines moved quicker for the GOP attendees.

THE PROCESS
Very different.   You had to have registered to vote as a Republican 10 days prior.  Unlike the Democrats, you could not register onsite.   If you knew who you wanted to vote for, you would go into the school, vote and leave.  If you were Undecided or if you wanted to become a delegate, you would go into the gym, sit in your precinct area and wait. This is where some very interesting conversations about the candidates took place.  Voting took place between 5pm and 7pm.  Speeches between 6pm and 7pm.  Undecided voting and assignment of delegates between 7pm and 9pm.

THE REPRESENTATIVES
Each of the five candidates had a table and representatives there to discuss issues, hand out lawn signs, and bumper stickers.  However the Ben Carson representatives were not there until a couple of hours into the event. There was a congressman from California stumping for Cruz. There was a last minute addition of Donald Trump's son.  He was walking around talking with people briefly, including me.  I had no idea who he was until he walked away. When I was told I had to run up and tell him that I was a Democrat, say "Cheese."  It was pretty funny.

THE CONVERSATIONS
What I appreciated the most about the Republican caucus was the conversations around the room.  I walked around for a bit and chatted with different groups.  And then sat down with a few and listened.  They were very cordial with each other.  In all the people I spoke with, most were on the fence between Cruz and Trump.  There was some concern for Cruz's ability to play fair and tell the truth.  This was the same day he fired someone in his camp due to inaccurate ads running.  The speech his representative gave received a loud thunderous applause.

Ben Carson and Marco Rubio's name came up the least amount of times, unless I was speaking with their representatives directly. No one made any comments about religious issues or women's rights issues.

The speech from Kasich's camp was also received very well, it was all about a balanced budget.  However many did not think he could survive very long as a candidate so they were not going to vote for him.  This speaks alot to the idea that we should only vote for the one we think will win instead of decided who will win by voting our conscience.  I think both sides do this, unfortunately.

As for Donald Trump, many that liked him cited it was because of his "mouth."  He was not afraid to let it rip.  Many agreed that his mouth is what is giving him the most press and that is getting him supporters. Some though he was pure comedy and were thinking it would be fun to have him as a President due to that. One woman told me that as American children we have never been taught to be politically correct. This is only expected of us as we grew into adulthood and she thought that was wrong. We should be allowed to be our children selves and say whatever we want without repercussions.  Quite a few that were thinking about voting for Trump because of his mouth also cited that his mouth is what could get us into wars with foreign countries.  Now there were some opinions that the American War Machine was a good thing because it feeds our economy. However not everyone thought so.  Many commented on how he flip flops in his opinions but it was just comments and no one seemed too concerned about that.

Overall, this caucus ran smoother than the Democratic one a few days earlier. There was no yelling or intimidation here.  There was thoughtful discussion and a smoother process.  I did read reports that not all sites were like that.  But that would be expected.  The only thing I saw that looked off was the ballot. They must have printed these awhile ago.

It was funny because some of the Republicans there used the ballot to quiz me on who was still in the race and I passed their quizzes. No one seemed to have any issue with me being there as a Democrat who was also a Delegate for Bernie Sanders. They asked me questions about what I thought of their candidates and I was pretty frank about it.  No one flipped out.  I did hear some negative comments about Hillary and when I asked a few who they would vote for on the Democratic side I only heard the name Bernie.

I did meet a couple of people who said they voted for Jeb, even though he wasn't running anymore. They wanted him back, I suppose. But then this is why it's important to get out to the Primaries and Caucuses.  The decision on who will run for President of the United States is in your hands at this point.  Every vote counts at every site.  It is easy to give up on the process, but regardless on what side of the aisle you are on, please don't.

How the Tactics at a Caucus Can Sway My Ultimate Vote

The Presidential candidates have hit Las Vegas hard these last couple of weeks.  Honestly, I have only paid close attention to the progressive side.  However now that I have witnessed the tactics from the Left, I am open to paying closer attention the Right.  The caucus is usually a place where you can discuss the issues and receive information from all sides of the campaign in a humane, respectful, and intelligent way.  Unfortunately that was not the case yesterday during the Nevada Democratic Caucus.

The caucus sites were understaffed and untrained, the volume of participants were much larger than they anticipated which caused some disappointing issues.  However, one of my biggest concerns was the lying and deceit that had taken place in Nevada, yet only the Reno paper wants to report on it. Southern Nevada is ignoring it.  I feel that could change some minds, including my own, if they were to hear that the Clinton side is using Rove/Bush tactics to move forward. It is so disenchanting.  I am grateful to those who took photos and video of what happened at the various Nevada Democratic Caucus sites.  See the Reno Gazette's list of issues per caucus location.  Also an article with photos of Clinton's logo on the sign in sheets and video of the Clinton supporters being allowed into the caucus without registering. They were told they can register after the caucus. The Clinton supporters were even outed as they impersonated a nurses union which has openly supported Sanders.   There were reports of so much mayhem and disorganization,  it is embarrassing, not just for Nevada but for the Clinton supporters who had no problem with using deceptive tactics to secure a win for her.  I find it challenging to want to support her under these conditions.

At my caucus site, the Clinton supporters screamed and yelled when you asked them any questions.  And the screaming and yelling were not the answers to the questions, it was a STFU tactic.  They put their fingers in their ears and yelled "Lalalalalalalalala."  They talked loudly during the reading of the letter from Sanders.  Basically they did not show any respect for the process or for anyone other than their side.  After some research this does look like tactics. Full disclosure:  last caucus which ran much smoother, I became a delegate for Clinton.  This time I became one for the more respectful side of Sanders.  At the site one of my trusted friends was at in Las Vegas, the Clinton supporters took all the chairs in the room and would only let you sit on one if you voted for Clinton.  The Sanders supporters had to sit on the floor.  So childish and disrespectful.

Now what, after the Nevada Democratic caucus for me? Well all this ugliness from Clinton's camp has caused me to now look at the other side, the Republican side, just in case I may change ultimately my mind.  I have always been open to listening to all sides of an issue and during election years. So I invite any one who has been following the Republican candidates and have some talking points about your favorite candidate to post about them here.