First Anniversary of My Rebirthday

Today is a thoughtful day for me. One year ago, at 4:30am, a good friend drove me to Southern Hills Hospital for the craniotomy to remove part of a meningioma (brain tumor) which was pressing on my left optical nerve. It was truly a life-changing event for me and I am grateful. Before the surgery I did alot of soul searching as my surgeon prepared for a few possibities during the procedure: I may die on the operating table; I may suffer stroke during the surgery; or I may wake up blind. As the nursing staff prepped me that morning, I felt a peace I had never felt before. A true peace that I always remember. I was truly living in the moment and had accepted the fact that life is impermanent. They put me under around 7am and I woke up that evening retaining that peace. So many things have changed since then and I am truly grateful for all of them.

I am grateful to wake up each day. I am grateful for the vision I have left. I am grateful that I can function pretty close to where I was before physically. I am grateful for the life lessons I learned that allowed me to let go of people and things that held me down, were abusive, and/or allowed me to live in a cluster of stress and pain. I am grateful that I forgave every person, including myself, which I shared moments of stress and pain. I am grateful that I learned that those are just moments in time. Impermanent. Any argument or stress-filled events were just moments in which I engaged also, so I shared in the pain I allowed to take hold of me. I learned to truly forgive those moments, those people, myself. Everyone has been forgiven. All but one, who remains inhumane to this day. But all else and everyone else has been forgiven, thanked, and blessed. Even those who left my life because of my tumor and inpending surgery. Even the one who said to me "You'll probably die anyways, I don't need that." Forgiven. And I'm still alive. And I'm still thriving.

This year has marked tremendous growth in my compassion for myself, which has been a challenge my whole life. And I have returned to a religion that found me over 20 years ago. I moved on from it so long ago and has resurfaced recently. This had caught me by surprise but I have learned to move with the flow of life and to stop being critical of updates and just move forward with them. And that has been a blessing. You don't always understand why people and/or things enter and exit your life, but I do believe there is a reason why.

I am still recovering from my surgery and radiation treatments. I have nerve pain in my face every day. All day long. It hurts to smile, but I still smile. Alot. My vision is labored but I am happy when I wake up and can see what I see. It's been a humbling experience. But I've never been shy about being humbled. I learn from it and I evolve from it. And I see other people I know go through health trials of there own, I feel a deeper connection to them and it reminds me that life if inconsistent. The inconsistency is something that could and for me, should be embraced because at least I am alive. The radiation team and neurosurgical team were amazing and I am grateful - even for the $11,000 loan I took out for it. It was wonderful to have that option so that I didn't have to bargain basement price my medical treatment. I know that many do not have that option. I even saved some of that money for another procedure - a tattoo of Kwan Yin by my favorite local artist, Christian Buckingham. He really did a great job and I love it.

Life is beautifully sweet and sometimes there are moments of stress. But those are just moments. There are moments of great happiness and beauty nestled in there too. I adopted my Princess Sweet Pea and I never thought I'd be such a cat person but she is a wonderful addition to my family. She's a cuddly lap cat with a very good attitude. She's given me a lot of peace and moments of relaxation. She doesn't particularly like it when I sing to her but then again no one does. But she's been so good to have around.

I got back to dancing in January and have been teaching and performing and creating dance. I have expanded my reportoire this year with some new classes I have tried like aerial silks; body percussion and stepping; ITS which I have earned my Level 1 Certification in this past year and I am working towards my Level 2 cert; and more. I do try to not go crazy with too much dance these days. I am still honoring my body as it has been through so much this year. I am still healing. Dance has been such a blessing. As long as it's fun, respectful and free from stress and competition, I will continue to dance. There are elements of dance that has changed this year. I gave up trying to be referee for when others wan to stir the drama pot without having an open heart, open mind, and open honest communication. So I retired my referee uniform. If I am needed by anyone who would be open to some assitance, I am here. But just to listen to half truths and deception in an effort to get me to take your side, ummmm....nope. I'm done. As for event organizing, I am so happy to host Wendy and Sandi for one last BFD this December. As for dance, I am looking forward to my next performance with TABU coming soon, as we are entering our 10th year together! So we have more cause for celebration in our dance this year. I have counted my blessings and am so grateful for the wonderful friendships that have been cultivated and the beauty of each moment. I have learned so much this past year and have learned the value of moments, gratitude, and life.

My Latest Obsession

I am in love with using malas for meditations, mantras, and recitations. I have been doing alot of daily meditations for the past year but the malas have taken me to another level which I felt I needed. The basic idea is that much like rosaries, you would use the malas (or Buddhist/Tibetan prayer beads as they are also called) and say a mantra for each bead. There are 108 beads on the full mala and 27 on the wrist mala usually with a bigger bead (guru bead) which is your stopping point to flip it and keep the mantras going. A full round is considered a buhm and the idea is to recite 10 full buhms per session (108 x 10). I haven't reached that level just yet, but it's what I am working towards.

I have several recitations I use for different purposes. You do not have to be a Buddhist or do it in the Buddhist way in order to feel the power of this practice. Reciting the "So Hum" or the "Om Mani Padme Hum" is wonderful but there are other options for the non-Buddhist practice too. For example, I have some friends that are dealing with serious health issues. For them I say "Health be to (insert name)"for each bead while I hold their smiling face in my mind and the connection I feel for them in my heart. The spoken words with the visual image and the emotional energy/connectedness is very powerful to me. It focuses my heart on my intention, my mind on the one intention, and connects my feelings to these in a beautiful way. And it's a practice/ritual which discplines me for the greater good. Over time it has resonated with me and I believe it helps me focus on the beauty of life without the negative interferring.

Some people connect with certain gems and stones on their mala. I like to choose mine by weight and feel. I have been wearing mine on my wrist to remind me of my focus each day. Most advise against wearing them as it being either sacrareligious or adding undue wear and tear on your beads and string. It is true that they can break. But when I hear the beads jingle it reminds me of how special the moments in life are and reminds me of my intentions with my prayers/recitations. So I will wear one a day to maintain my focus. So if you are walking by my office when I have my door shut, now you know what you are hearing and when you see my bracelets, you know what they are for. And my new obsession is timely for me as I am getting ready to mark my one year anniversary of my neurosurgery. This year has been about healing but not just my body. The highs and lows of recovering from a major health issue can take it's toll in many ways. Meditations and malas have been such wonderful parts of my journey and I plan to keep them going. And you know with the holidays around the corner....umm..hint. **********************"Om Amideva Hrih"*********************

Short Playlist for ATS® Class

Here is some of the music we use in our ATS® class. The last song is great for zill practice. ">

Pontypool Does Change Everything

Pontypool is one of my favorite movies, mainly due the deep themes and meaning embedded in the story.  While this is not a review of the book or the movie, it is my way of exercising the demons in my mind over this story and the deep implications in my own life that I have noticed particularly over the past year.  It is a way for me to write my thoughts about how profoundly the book and movie have changed my view of language, words, and truth forever.  Don't read any further if you have not read Pontypool Changes Everything by Tony Burgess or watched the movie Pontypool (2009) and plan to do so.  Here is the trailer, if you are interested in checking it out.  I highly recommend both of them. The book is much different than the movie.  Even though Tony Burgess worked on both, the ideas from the book were more fully developed in the movie.  I recommend watching the movie first, then if you are obsessed with the story like I was, read the book.

*************STOP HERE. SPOILER ALERTS*************************

On the surface it seems like a "zombie" movie or just another horror story.  But in reality it is about language and our ability (or inability) to work through the problems that our language can present. It is about confusion in language.  Hearing the world.  Listening to what we are saying and to what is being said. And understanding it.  As we, in the movie, are "crude radio signals. Seeking." But not always connecting in a meaningful way.  The tagline "Shut Up or Die" is not just about being quiet but about being mindful of the language and words being used out loud.  The message can be confusing to you and cause you to have an unexpected, violent reaction because you can be infected and confused by words.  You can get hung up on one word, or many, and babble them.  Repeat them with not clear understanding of what the word means.  In the movie the doctor explains that it's a suicide of sorts, but the infected person needs a victim to suicide with, so they seek one.  If they find a victim they try to chew through their mouth because of the confusion in the words.  If they do not find a victim, their insides explode through their mouths where the words originated.  Hence the English language has been contaminated with a virus.  The zombie-like beings babbling the confusion are referred to as "Conversationalists."  Interesting reference.

I completely believe this, of course, to a different extent that the movie depicts, but language IS contaminated and many do not know this and those who are aware do not always seem prepared to fight the virus.  Language is so delicate.  Sometimes it's useful but so often people do not know how to put their thoughts and/or questions into uncontaminated words that make sense (to them or to their intended target).

In the movie the government breaks into the radio station's broadcast with a message in French when when translated states:  "For your safety, please avoid contact with close family members and restrain from the following:  all terms of endearment, such as honey or sweetheart, baby-talk with young children, and rhetorical discourse.  For greater safety, please avoid the English language.  Please do not translate this message."

"All terms of endearment, such as honey sweetheart, baby-talk with young children, and rhetorical discourse."  ALL terms of endearment. So this has been something that I have been dealing with for awhile, but it amplified that past July.  Infected language.  Infected terms of endearment. Some people in my circle would tell me the sweet sweet nothings but not because they meant them or, as based in Pontypool, actually understood them, but used them because they had an agenda.  A self-focused agenda. And contaminated language within all terms of endearment.  They were seeking.  But not for the return of sweet sweet nothings but for more contaminated language.  This virus was circulating in my world without my absolute knowledge at the time.  I grew up with the ideals that language is to be the truth.  Pure. Always.  Much like Grant Mazzy's ideals. But it is very challenging to find and to cure.  Now I am aware of the "language apocalypse" within my sphere.  For safety's sake.  And I know how to shake it off.

At one point in the movie, Grant becomes infected and was able to shake it off.  He discovered a cure of sorts.  And then his station manager, who was not following the safety instructions became infected.  Grant was able to help her shake it off by confusing the infected word:  Kill is kiss.  "Kill is kiss.  Kill is kiss.  Kill is kiss.  Ok.  I feel better now."

"Kill the word that's killing you."  This is a sort of motto or anthem with me as of late.  "Kill the word that's killing you."  Pontypool represents the plague of miscommunication in our language, in our conversations, in our relationships. Pontypool Changes Everything.  It does.  It changed everything for me.  When communication is infected, it does more harm than good.  It can hurt.  It can forever damage relationships.  And the perception of relationships.  But it can be shaken off or cured if you possess the appropriate critical thinking skills and tenacity.  And if you apply these things to the language.

"So what does it mean?  Well...it means something's going to happen.  Something big.  But then, something's always about to happen."  Pontypool changes everything.

As Bruce McDonald stated in an interview, "the virus could effect something as abstract as the English language, it can leap into reality itself.  Change the fabric of how reality is perceived." So how is reality perceived?
Pontypool.
P ntypo l.
ntypo.
typo.

So now where am I going with Johnny Deadeyes?  "To a new place that isn't even there yet."

Thoughts about Life and Remembrance

Impermanence is a reality of life.  When I first started to study Buddhism, this was the first lesson I was taught.  Everything changes.  Within this first lesson I read a chapter about facing our own mortality.  We are born to die.  It is what is in the middle, what happens while we are on this Earth that lives on, particularly with others.

As people in our lives are confronted with their own mortality, it is important to feel some empathy.  Someday we will face the similar reality.   So this past year, as I faced my own serious health issues, it surprised me to find some people who called themselves friends completely abandon any sense of empathy or compassion.  Instead some have left completely and others have rocked the boat of ethics and truth that I had to abandon them.  Either way, life in its current state is much more happy and positive once the posers in the circle took their leave of me.  And I say posers because in each instance, I have spoken directly to the person and listened to their opinions.  I found the very few who jumped off were never actually friends. So it was a good good thing for all of it. Why pretend?  Why be around those who pretend?

This quote holds true and is a very wonderful thing.

Which brings me to my next thought - how we live each day and how we interact with others is the mark we will leave behind when we leave this world.  It will be how we are remembered. There have been quite a few significant times in my life where I took stock of who I was during that time and determined what, if anything, needed to change.  I find those moments of looking at yourself from the outside very important. It has helped me shape my attitudes, my opinions, my speech, and how I interacted with others, as well as myself.  Taking time to analyze your inner being can seem scary but it is beautiful.  Last year before surgery I analyzed how I my life had been and if I was satisfied, in case I did not survive.  It was uplifting, raw, and honest.  And it allowed me to feel a great sense of acceptance as I walked into the hospital.

Afterwards, I have analyzed the questions, "how do I want to live now, and how do I want to be remembered?"  My goals have been living a more positive life where I am not bogged down by the details of work, life, school, teaching, directing, promoting, etc.  I want to have more time with friends enjoying coffee outside in the breeze, movies in the theater, and conversations that are meaningful.  I want to keep positive energy around me so I don't get caught up in the negativity that life can amplify.  I want to spend time in daily meditation so I can keep my focus.  I want to work on my health and continue to heal all that has plagued in me in one way or another.  I want to be remembered for my work ethic, my honesty, my attention to detail, my sense of humor and whimsy, and for my contributions to the art form I love and have worked so hard on developing over the last 20 years.  I want to be remembered for conquering and living with serious medical issue with humor, optimism, courage, and hope.

These may not seem like important questions, but I am interested in hearing the answers from anyone who would like to share them:  How do you want to live?  How do you want to be remembered?

Thankful for the Dance

Dance is a beautiful expression of emotions in so many ways and I am truly grateful for that.  There have been times where my patience and love of the dance has been tested through various challenges in life (emotional, physical, mental) and with some of the competitiveness and unnecessary drama in the dance community.  However I have always bounced back once I find the peace within whatever ails me to keep dancing.  Dancing heals.  Dancing mends.  Dancing challenges my resolve in the most beautiful ways.

This year marks 20 years for me being a belly dancer.  I have been fortunate to take classes and workshops from so many gifted and wonderful dance teachers in so many fun styles to learn.  I have been fortunate to be a part of several belly dance and experimental dance troupes which has connected me so generously with the team mentality and the group thought.  I have been fortunate to have performed at so many wonderful events, including stage show and theatrical productions, across the Western United States (and one in Canada) that I am forever changed by the memories of those amazing productions.

I give thanks for those opportunities and the ones that are on the horizon.  I give many thanks to the teachers who have given me so much of their time and knowledge. I give many thanks to the dancers who have shared their love for the dance with me, whether it's together onstage or together in an event or together in a supportive community.  And I also give thanks to those who maybe weren't so supportive because I learned life lessons from them as well and I cherish the growth.

Dance can be rewarding especially with hard work, dedication, and love. So many things are possible through dance.  So marking my 20 year anniversary and a new chapter I have just started in my dance career, I give thanks to everyone who helped shape my views and drive my passion, whether you knew it or not.  And don't be surprised if I send you a thank you note or call you to say it to you.

The Thrown Towel

"It's not even 9am and I'm about a verb away from throwing in the towel. Exhausted with being taken advantage of and getting no credit from the 'know-it-alls' who don't respect what you have given them or taught them. For free. 'Friendship' is riding the super thin rails these days. Feeling like it's about time to pack it up. This is my Sunday morning PSA."  This was my post on Facebook last Sunday, March 27, 2016.  Exactly one week later and things have changed in the most positive way for me.  I learned very valuable lessons that will stay with me and I am grateful for finally learning this.

The person that this was primarily about contacted me within a few moments of me posting it.  She knew her ego-inflated post with no credit towards me and my work that I been handing her on a plate was a terrible thing to do. I needed some time to breath but knew I would be seeing her in a few moments and I always appreciate the face to face talks abit more.  She knew this was about her because this has been the battle for almost 10 years.  Yes, almost 10 years.  Some people do not like to accept the fact that they do not know everything.  Some want to take credit for the things others do - all the time.  Posers.  Liars.  Cheats.  Call them what you want.  

I'm a dumbass and I consistently give people who take advantage of me opportunities to fuck me over again, and again, and again. This is my fault, I am to blame for allowing people to use and abuse me and take credit for things I gave them. I admit it and own it. I have not called people out by name for this but I do talk to them directly every single time and give them an chance (or ten chances) to "make it up to me" as this gal said she'd do repeatedly.  I gave her time and she did nothing, as usual.  She accepted responsibility to my face and said sorry but no one else will hear of the game she has been playing all these years from her.  Now I am braced from some verbal backlash from her.  She has spent alot of time in the past trash talking me and others for whom she has done wrong.  I guess it's easier than accepting responsibility, learning, and growing from it.  And since she won't do that, I will. 

The good news is that I am throwing in the towel on her, not on the art form I love.  And I woke up feeling pretty good.  Mainly because one of the main sources of humilation and drama is now gone from my life. I know how much I tried to work with her through her integrity issues.  Another reason is because I will not keep making this mistake any further.  While I do feel some people can change over time, the proof will need to be there before I accept them back into my trust and good graces.  Little infractions are not an issue, no one is perfect.  For me it has always been about how the issue was resolved, far more than just the issues itself. But this rudeness is not an acceptable ways of being someone's "friend."  And I asked her what she would tell me to do if I told her someone else did this to me.  Her answer was to not perform with them, but still be friends.  Well how can you be friends with someone who is so dishonest about you?  Made no sense to me.  It's not just about dance.

Anyways, the towel is over there, somewhere. And I am feeling refreshed with no concerns for my consistent attempts to be nice to the mean, to give chances to the unwilling to change, and to try to work with people through their problems even when it hurts me emotionally, mentally, and professionally.  I slept well last night.  I feel well today.  I am going to focus my attention on my health and upcoming radiation treatments instead of someone else's drama and need for acceptance through negative modes. So this week I threw in the towel on politics and on a toxic relationship. Lesson learned and for that I am grateful.